The Crime of Bad Parenting by Sandra Ruttan

I'm pleased to welcome Sandra Ruttan to the blog today. She has an excellent post regarding the aftermath of emotions surrounding the Casey Anthony case. Read. Think. Comment.  Please, don't be shy. 

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I saw a tweet the other day that caused my jaw to drop.

"If Casey Anthony wants Nancy Grace off her back, she needs to start killing black babies."

It's really easy to pick on Casey Anthony right now, but when I can set my own feelings about the case aside, I find myself wondering more about the rage against this woman.

Is it about what she allegedly did to her daughter?  Or is this some weird way of absolving ourselves of any guilt we have buried deep in our own subconscious?

I don't mean guilt for the death of Caylee; I mean guilt over our actions or lack of actions and how they may have affected someone else.  How many parents out there have never said something to their kids that they regret?  Worse still, how many of you live haunted by the action you can't take back, or guilt about the thing you should have done?

I went through this a few months ago, when a student at the school I was working at was shot and killed.  I've been working at schools in Baltimore for the last two years.  I've worked in middle schools and high schools. 

I know drug dealers.

I mean, that's just reality.  Two students in one of my classes from last semester had to be put into protective custody after one of them got shot.  And I've never been particularly good at overlooking the big picture.  I can connect the dots.  I've talked to some of these kids, tried to reach them.

But when I heard about the student who was killed, and realized it was a student I'd talked to in passing on a number of occasions, I processed a lot of emotions.  There was shock and grief.

And guilt.

Had I done enough?  Was there something I could have said that might have changed the outcome for this student?

And then I saw this story about Edmonton-area mom who fought police and shedded her clothes during a "bizarre" drug-and-booze-fuelled rampage earned a judicial tongue lashing Tuesday.

(She pleaded guilty to assault, causing a disturbance, mischief and resisting arrest.)

After hearing the mother-of-three had committed some of the crimes in front of her 10-year-old son, provincial court Judge Ernie Walter fixed his steely eyes upon her.

"Get your life in order madam," said Walter. "Your children deserve better than this."

It sounds more like something you'd expect to read in a book than a news story, and yet Cher Alina Badger really did find herself branded by newspapers as a "bad mom".

If only being a bad mom was a crime.

Okay, being a "bad" parent is a rather subjective term, but when I read this article I really did wonder just how bad a parent has to be in order to have someone step in to protect the children.  This woman committed crimes.  Including assault.

Shouldn't any act of physical violence be grounds for some intervention?

While our society reels from the outcome of the Casey Anthony murder trial and her acquittal for murdering her two-year-old daughter, I think the only way we can really, honestly address the issue of how to protect children in the future is to start by eliminating assumptions.  Where mothers are concerned, society is often willing to turn a blind eye and excuse all actions.  The belief that mothers know best and sacrifice all for their children is one that's based on the example of millions of mothers that's true of.

Unfortunately, the mothers who are anything but selfless and protective of their children use the stereotype to their advantage, and even now, in the 21^st century, courts still tend to favor mothers in custody disputes.  The only proof of equal treatment of parents would be an automatic assumption of 50-50 custody between fathers and mothers, with one parent being required to prove the other parent is unfit or unsuitable in order to take a higher percentage of custody.  And that's not the way it is.

I think every individual proves their merit by their actions, and that includes 'mothers' and 'fathers'.  We need to stop projecting what we want to be true of all mothers and fathers onto everyone without evidence that they actually are good parents.  That's the only way for us to look deeper, and actually put the welfare of children first.

This is an issue I wrestle with through the pages of my latest novel, HARVEST OF RUINS.  Evelyn Shepherd - known as Vinny - is a girl who is torn apart by her parents after their divorce.  Her relationship with her father is easy and natural, while her mother pressures her to be what her mother wants her to be, and manipulates her and controls her, with devastating consequences.

There are a lot of ways to damage a person, especially a child, and they don't all involve physical abuse.  As a society, we need to consider that.  Think about that "bad mom" and her son, and what type of person he's likely going to grow up to be if this is how his mother behaves.

In Vinny's case, it's her father, the one person who genuinely loved and cared about her, who's plagued by guilt over his decisions and the regret he has over letting his daughter remain in the custody of her mother. 

But the central character of the book is Hunter McKenna, who carries her own guilt over how her actions have affected her own life, and the lives of Vinny, her father, and Hunter's own daughter.

I think if we're all honest with ourselves, we've had a moment where we could have done more for someone.  Could have shown our child (or parent or partner) more patience, or could have reached out to help a friend who was in a desperate situation and needed our support.

And that's what makes guilt a good thing.  It's what causes us to examine our shortcomings and prompts us to try to do better in the future so that we don't repeat the same mistakes.

The only trick is, like Hunter, when we're wrestling with our guilt we have to learn to first forgive ourselves.


Sandra Ruttan is the Bestselling author of Harvest of Ruins, Suspicious Circumstance, The Nolan, Hart & Train series, and is the Editor for Spinetingler Magazine and Snubnose Press.