Sunday, September 12, 2010

CHANNELING YOUR INNER VILLAIN

Every once in a while you come across a book that is so inspiring you have no choice but to share it with your friends.  Or, you come across a book that is so ridiculously funny you can't help but talk about it.  Such is the case of How To Grow Up And Rule The World by Vordak The Incomprehensible.  This isn't your average reading material.  Vordak is pretty clear about who he wants reading this book.  I, personally, feel like I meet the requirements.  I mean, really, don't we all want to be just a little evil at times?  I know I do.  Seriously,  there are times when I'm so pressured with my status of perfection in my little world, that I forget just how fun evil can be.  EVIL...Vordak's kind of evil! 

The first chapter in this insanely written "masterpiece" is entitled; Glorious Me!  I know.  I thought it was a joke, but it wasn't.  The first page had me hooked.  I loved it so much I'm willing to share it with you if only to showcase Vordak's gift of making you feel like a pathetic goober.

GREETINGS, inferior one.  I am Vordak the Incomprehensible.  Who you are doesn't matter.  What does matter is my dastardly decision to add the world of book publishing to my growing list of conquests.  Without even trying very hard, I have created a book of such unbelievable brilliance that it dwarfs all other literature preceding it throughout the course of human history.  The wisdom contained within these pages is of such humongousness that it offers even a piddling piece of pond scum such as yourself the opportunity to ONE DAY GROW UP AND RULE THE WORLD!  MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  (I think I typed one too many HA's in there, but does it matter?  NO!)

This book will teach you how to bring out your inner evil villain, select a "gut-wrenching" evil name, create a villainous costume, build the perfect evil lair, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.  This book comes with tests, and an employment form where you pretty much sign your life over to Vordak. 

I'm really trying hard to channel my inner villain.  I just need to stop smiling so much in my photos.  While I continue to work on that daily, I have gone ahead and chosen my evil name.  Are you ready for it?  It's pretty good...not as good as Vordak's, but we all can't be as perfect as he seems to think he is.  My name is: TOLZAR The Ruthlessly Impatient.  There's a template available in the book to help with the selection process.  I've also chosen my evil lair.  You can find photos on my Facebook page.  I'm still working on the costume, but since my evil lair doesn't have high ceilings, I know I'll be wearing a mask. 

Even with all my constant chatter on Facebook and my willingness to unpack a box of these books that the book store hadn't even bothered to stock on the shelves, Vordak still has yet to send me a signed copy to give away on my book blog.  I've entered a contest to win one, but I have a pretty strong feeling I'm not the winner.  Feel free to stop by my desk to check out my copy of this seriously insane book.  I think it makes for great bathroom reading.  Don't tell Vordak I said that.  You can read more about Vordak on his web page at http://www.vordak.com/.  

You know that book I've been thinking about writing?  After reading this, I'm thinking I might have a real shot at being published.  MUAHAHAHAHA!!!

Update:  Thanks to Google Alert, Vordak read my blog post and liked it?  He is sending me a free signed copy to give away on my ridiculously lame book blog!  How cool is that?

29 comments:

Lalabowers said...

I definitely think that I need to come up with my own name. This book sounds like a good one.

Sara said...

It sounds hilarious! Love the costume, by the way. I think it's awesome that you are the unofficial spokesperson for great books, and I can't wait until you write YOUR book.

pamstam said...

You are seriously getting "connected" in the book world! How fantastical! I already think that I am in touch with my evil side - but it would be nice to read a "HOW TO" book to be certain that I haven't missed any important steps!

jchrz said...

Well, it is going to be quite the challenge to start calling your alter ego “Tolzar” rather than: Kate,” although, I love it, and it absolutely shows your inner evil! We all hope that each of us have contributed to your evilness, in a little way. lol. Anyway, have not read the book yet but I am totally intrigued and can’t wait to start it. After reading your post, it has so inspired me to beginning a new evil life, using my favorite name of “DeathXhex” she is my avatar, whose evil lair, is a castle in Europe that is surround by a 50ft. mason wall with an iron gate. The gate is guarded by gargoyles and griffins that keep out the Hordes and worthless humans!! How am I doing so far? lol. I know I am going to give it up and leave the evilness to you and VORDAK!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I hope I win the book can’t wait to start reading it.

Stephanie said...

Very interesting...I like "Evil"! Can't wait to come up with my own name!

Have I told you lately how much your blog makes me giggle! Lovin' it!

gbeck said...

Thank you, Thank you for making Monday bearable! There is definitely a bit of evil in me already, so I'm starting to think up my evil name and create a lair in my mind. I'll let you know when I figure it out.

Donna said...

I know that I am in there, I just need the book to find out. Thanks bre. D

angelabarra99 said...

that sound like the book for me i need evil in my life im way to nice :)

Vordak the Incomprehensible said...

That little excerpt will cost you $7,653.93. Expect my collection minion Thursday. No checks.

Sabrina E. Ogden said...

Wait a second, Vordak...shouldn't you be paying me for all this publicity??? Maybe you and Minion Martin should come to Salt Lake. I'm sure us Mormons can make an exception just once, and allow a little EVIL in our city! I wonder if that's why your books weren't on the shelf yet at B&N...it's a conspiracy!

Leah Anderson said...

I WANT AN EVIL VILLAIN NAME (imagine me stomping, weeping, wailing and gnashing my teeth as you read this sentence)!!! I'm way more evilerier than that fork-headed, tire-tread-wearing, villain-who-shall-not-named dude who hasn't chosen my entry (yet) on his blog as the contest winner for the signed copy of his book that I so desperately desire to present to the offspring of my loins!!! The same offspring that told me he would DIE if he didn't get a copy of the book! You are hereby alerted that if I don't win THIS contest...you'll be sorry! I don't know yet what I'll do...but it WILL be horrific and frightening!

Leah Anderson said...

OK...I just picked my name! Henceforth, I will answer to ALTHEA the UNPLEASANT!!!

Christine said...

Leah, you scare me!!!! JChrz, (otherwise known as the Latin Goddess), I loved your comments. YOU should finish off your story! VORDAK, you definitely need to visit SLC and scare the heeby jeebies out of this sombre town. "They Call Me Kate" has definitely "spiked" my interest in reading your book. She is definitely a wonderful enthusiest for your brilliant writing. On my list to check out on the next forthcoming visit to B&N. Thanks VORDAK.

rbruner said...

Amayzzing.....another captivating book review! you've totally convinced me.....already, I can feel my 'inner villain' ready & waiting to escape, and conquer! As for a name, hmmm, possibly Veronica the Vindictive?........

jchrz said...

I guess I did not complete my name DeathXhex the Destructor, the master of Destruction.

Sabrina E. Ogden said...

First of all...you can only choose a name from the template in the book that our master, Vordak has created. Are you people even reading my blog post?

Leah Anderson said...

We're just evil enough that we don't want to follow the rules! Ha! (See...he's inspired me and I haven't even read the book yet!)

Anonymous said...

OMG! OMG! WTH! That is so good, it reminds me of myself because I have inner villains too!

Barbara C.

me/mom/NANA said...

Leaving a comment, take 2.
I love your blog and book reviews. I am one who only reads a book if someone I know reviews it and tells me it is worth reading. This sounds like a great book but my question is; Can a 60 plus, grey haired, "NANA" really have an evil side? I don't know but it might be fun to find out.

Anonymous said...

I think you have the ability to be "evil." I have an inner villain. I keep her locked up inside my head though. But when I'm mean it's her who comes out. This might actually be something I would read though. It seems funny and interesting. I may not fall asleep reading it.

By Adriana

Anonymous said...

Sounds like a good book!

Cwestover said...

I think I discovered my inner "evil" along time ago and it's alive and well and working....well you know where. I LOVE your blog, it makes me laugh every single time you post an update, even if it takes all day for me to find the time to read it. Keep it up Kate, my inner "good" needs to come out every now and again!

Elfdelite said...

Armor asunder,
Shiny helmet cleaved in two
Tolzar is risen!

Sharp rocks biting knees,
Fearful tears, quivering lips;
Beautiful evil.

Fealty I swear now
Honed edge drawing life's water
For you it will swing.

Leah Anderson said...

I really, really, really, really want to win this! Will it help if I tell you I was orphaned as a small child? That I was raised by bloggers? I had to quit school in 3rd grade to get a job and support my dog? My home (a cardboard box) burned to the ground over Labor Day? I lost all my teeth in a mining accident back in '89 and it's very painful for me to eat popcorn...still to this very day? Mine is a sad tale of overcoming obstacles...please pick me!!!

Leah Anderson said...

Here's another post. Does that increase my chances?

Leah Anderson said...

To: elfdelite...you sound foxy. Are you brown? Do you have long hair? Do women at your office fawn all over you? Do they always ask you to fix their electronics? If so, I believe you are my dream man! Give me a call! Wink! Wink!

Leah Anderson said...

I'm baaaaack!!! Perhaps I should write a book about how to access your inner stalker!

Leah Anderson said...

It's just me again!

C. David Gravett said...

I would be thrilled to take VORDAK home with me, there's just not enough evil around my house in South Jordan.